Dear Lily
by valjeanbread
Summary: Remus Lupin spent his years at Hogwarts pining after his best friend, Lily Evans, but never had the courage to speak up. Years after the deaths of James and Lily, Remus still finds himself stuck in the past.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is my first attempt at a fanfiction, finally the thought of Lupin pining after Lily motivated me to try one! :)

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

Italicized text is quoted directly from _The Prisoner of Azkaban _

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Chapter One

Platform Nine and Three Quarters was empty except for the Hogwarts Express and a lone, shabbily dressed figure who stood staring at the train as if he was composing his emotions. Finally, the figure stepped out of the steam issuing from the train: it was Remus Lupin. Running a hand through his light brown hair, he took a deep breath, grabbed his trunk, and shuffled onto the train.

It had been 15 years since Remus Lupin had sat on the train. His hair had been devoid of grey then, his face less scarred; his eyes had expressed the carefree happiness he had felt during his time at school. It was on this train that he had met his three best friends: James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. It was also here that Lupin had caught his first glimpse of the woman who would hold his heart captive for the rest of his life.

Lupin heaved a great sigh and grunted as he flung his heavy trunk into the overhead compartment, his mind wandering. _He_ would be here, of course; it would be his third year at Hogwarts. Remus wondered wistfully if he would finally see those eyes again, the eyes that he had stared into for seven years. Her eyes had always shone with happiness when she was around him, never with pity for his condition, which he appreciated. She would concoct him Calming Draughts and would make various potions in an attempt to make his transition to his other form a little less painful. Those potions never worked—each full moon greeted him with pain intense enough to make his vision fade—but he drank them nevertheless, to make her happy.

He glanced out the window, watching as children poured in from the barrier. He was in for a long year, that he knew. Judging from what Dumbledore told him, the children hadn't actually had a decent Defense Against the Dark Arts professor ever since Dumbledore had denied Voldemort the position. As Lupin pulled up his patched traveling cloak to cover himself for a nap, he hoped fervently that he would not end up like the others.

He awoke to the sound of the compartment's door rattling open and the sound of three pairs of footsteps. He kept his eyes closed, hoping that if they were students, they would at least be quiet for the duration of the trip.

"_Who d'you reckon he is_?" he heard a voice hiss as the door was shut and people took their seats.

"_Professor R. J. Lupin_," he heard a voice whisper back.

"_How d'you know that_?"

"_It's on his case_." If Lupin hadn't been pretending to be asleep he would have smiled at the girl's quick thinking. He listened to their conversation; it quickly turned to the biggest Wizarding news there was, Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban. When he heard the girl say the name "Harry," he inhaled sharply. His eyes flickered open to slits and found the boy, who had James' features down to a tee. And then he saw his eyes, the same dark emerald that had looked at him all those years ago...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I'm sorry the chapters are so short, but I have written quite a few, so updates should be rather swift.

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

If I did, we'd have a whole book in Remus Lupin's point of view.

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Chapter Two

"C'mon, Rem, we're gonna miss the train!" Lily Evans said over her shoulder, grasping the boy's hand in hers before setting off to the Platform, passing crowds of bustling Muggles. Remus was glad she was ahead of him; she couldn't see his red cheeks and panicked expression as he stared down at her hand tightly holding his. He had been in love with Lily Evans ever since first year, when he had been introduced to her. They had become best friends over the five years that had passed. Remus marveled at the fact that she still kept his company, though she detested his other troublemaking friends. And now, in their fifth year, they had both been made Gryffindor prefects, which meant that they would be patrolling the corridors alone together throughout the year.

Remus wanted to tell Lily how he felt about her, but there were two things that stood in his way. One: he was embarrassed, and worried that she didn't feel the same way, which could end their friendship. The second problem was that his best friend, James Potter, was in love with her as well.

Remus had four friends at Hogwarts, and if he dated Lily, he would lose three of them. The Marauders valued loyalty, and after everything James had done for him in regards to his furry little problem, he couldn't betray him like that. So, as she tugged him through the barrier, he decided to let himself suffer. As they got on the train, he admired her long, flowing red hair. He wondered if it smelled as sweet as he imagined, but then shook his head. _You can't think things like this anymore, Moony; she is your friend, __**JUST**__ your friend._

With that thought in mind, he took a seat in the Prefect's Compartment and struggled to keep his hand from reaching out and holding hers.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **

Italicized text is taken directly from _The Prisoner of Azkaban_

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

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Chapter Three

Lupin was startled out of his reverie as the Hogwarts Express came to a shuddering halt. He allowed a small sigh to escape his lips and felt three sets of eyes on him. Then the lights went out, and Lupin could finally open his bleary hazel eyes without anyone noticing. Two more people entered the compartment. Lupin learned everyone's name as they spoke to each other: Ginny, Neville, Ron, Hermione, and Harry. Suddenly the tiny room got colder, and Lupin realized what he was dealing with.

He withdrew his wand and cast a lighting charm. _"Stay where you are."_ He winced at his hoarse voice. He walked towards the door, and just as he reached towards it, it opened. Lupin stared up at the dementor. He felt a heavy feeling of sadness stir in his chest, flashes of Lily passing through his mind. He heard a thud behind him; someone had collapsed. He needed to act.

Imagining himself with Lily down by the lake, where she had pressed a kiss against his cheek, he raised his wand.

"_None of us are hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go_." When the dementor continued to advance towards the compartment, he muttered, "_Expecto Patronum_!" He watched as the dementor was forced out of the cabin into the hall before it fled.

Turning back around, he saw that it was Harry who had fainted. He pulled a slab of Honeydukes' finest chocolate from his cloak, a treat he had purchased for himself, and began to break it into pieces. Harry came to at the sound and his friends asked him worriedly if he was alright.

When Harry said he had heard a woman screaming, Lupin flinched and broke off a piece of chocolate louder than he intended to. He had gone pale; Harry had heard Lily screaming on the night she had died, no doubt.

He held chocolate out to Harry and said, "Eat it, you'll feel better," before hurriedly getting to his feet. "I'm going to go have a word with the conductor." Lupin rushed down the hall into the train's bathroom, shutting and locking the door before sinking down in front of it. He held his head in his hands and inhaled shakily, his mind going back to his memories.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **See, it got a little longer this time :)

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

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Chapter Four

Remus limped into the dormitory after a particularly rough night recovering from the full moon. He typically took two nights off nowadays, which caused his homework to pile up. When he walked in, Sirius and Peter were playing an enchanted game of cards whilst Lily was cuddling with James on his bed.

Something had changed between sixth and seventh year, and Lily had fallen head over heels for James, resulting in Remus losing his best friend for the most part. Whenever he wandered to their usual table at the library to spend time with her and do homework together, she wouldn't be there. She and James had been appointed Head Girl and Boy respectively, leaving Remus to assume they spent their patrol time snogging in a broom closet somewhere.

He pulled out his parchment, quill, and ink bottle, rubbing his eyes. He was not looking forward to writing his essay on the properties of Wolfsbane for Professor Slughorn. Gripping the quill between his teeth, he flopped onto his bed and unscrewed the lid from the ink bottle. For a few moments, the only sound in the dormitory was Remus' quill scratching against the parchment. Then he heard the sound of kissing, and his grip tightened on the ink bottle.

_That could be me_, he thought bitterly, the sounds growing louder.

"You alright, Moony? You've gone a bit pale?" Sirius looked at him with concern.

Suddenly, the bottle shattered in Lupin's clenched fist, black ink spilling over his white sheets as the long shards of glass sunk into his hand. He cursed loudly, springing off of his bed and lifting his hand. Lily quickly pushed herself off of James and grabbed Remus' hand. His pulse was pumping so hard it sounded like it was a drum in his head. He stared down at Lily's hand wrapped around his wrist. He couldn't take it. She was touching him, but he could never have her; he wanted to grab her and kiss her, but he didn't.

He tugged his hand out of Lily's grip and rushed out of the dormitory like a tornado. He didn't know where to go; he felt like he was about to explode like the bottle. Luckily, he was able to get out of the castle. He thought about going to Hagrid's hut, but his legs carried him past it. He found himself in the Forbidden Forest, branches and thorns tearing at the skin on his face, his hand filled with glass and covered in blood that left a trail after his feet. A huge clearing stood before him. He stopped running, hunching over and panting heavily.

There was the snapping of a branch behind him. He spun around, wand at the ready. Claws sunk into his back, and he cried out as he was knocked to the ground. He was on his back; something furry and angry was on his chest, its claws swiping across his face and leaving deep gashes across his cheek and neck. Remus's vision went black.

He stirred to a voice that was familiar to his hazy mind and made his heart beat faster. It was Lily, and she sounded like she was crying. He decided to keep his eyes closed and listen, to spare her the embarrassment of being discovered crying over him.

"That was a right stupid thing to do, Remus John Lupin. If you weren't asleep right now, I'd throttle you here and now... Madame Pomfrey said you're going to have some scars on your cheek and neck, but don't worry."

She leaned closer. He felt her breath on his ear. "Girls think scars are attractive, especially battle scars."

Remus willed himself not to blush as she leaned back in her seat, her fingers trailing across his cheek.

"I've gotta go, Rem. James said he'd be up to see you. Sleep tight." Her lips pressed chastely against his cheek, and then she walked out of the Hospital Wing.

He sat up the minute she was gone. Lily was joking about the scars, that he knew. It didn't fail to make him blush, though. If only Lily Evans found him attractive. He was everything that James was not. While Remus was serious, bookish, and quiet, James was funny, muscular, and a prankster, which naturally made him everybody's favorite. Remus settled back on his pillows just in time to see James bursting through the door, looking frantic.

He saw that Remus was awake and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good to see that you're awake, mate. Professor McGonagall said you looked bad, we were afraid you would..." James trailed off, running a hand through his already untidy hair before settling down in the seat Lily had just left.

"Lils said you were asleep when she was here."

Remus felt rage bottle up inside of him. He had called Lily by the nickname of Lils since first year, while James had always called her Evans. But then he remembered—they were a pair now, and James could call her whatever he would like.

"Listen," James said with a serious look in his eyes, "you and I haven't talked about me and Lily dating and I think that we should."

_Merlin, he knows. He's going to kill me while Madame Pomfrey isn't here._

"I know that you and Lils were really close friends, and now that she's dating me, you haven't gotten to see much of her. I just really appreciate you letting me have her time. I'm so in love with her, Moony."

Remus was filled with shame. How could he have even thought about having feelings for Lily when his best friend was obviously so attached to her?

"It's alright, Prongs, I have other friends..." he heard himself say quietly.

"I really appreciate you being my friend, Remus, and I'm sorry if I upset you and that's what caused—"

"No," Remus said sharply. "No, I don't know what came over me, but it wasn't you who is to blame."

James smiled brightly. "Good, I hope you feel better, Moony. When is Pomfrey letting you out?"

"She said tomorrow if the cuts have healed up."

James stood. "Well then, Moony, see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow, Prongs." He held the smile until the door shut, then allowed himself to hold his head in his hands, tears forming in his eyes. He held them back. He needed to let go of Lily, but he knew he couldn't.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Reviews are always welcome!

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

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Chapter Five

The Welcome Feast was uneventful; Lupin had got a smattering of unenthusiastic applause when Professor Dumbledore had announced him as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He could feel eyes on him; he wished he had proper wizard's robes instead of the ones he had inherited from his father. He reminded himself that it would be worthless to get new robes, since they would soon be destroyed by his furry little problem, not to mention the fact that he was poor. So he just patched up his old ones, hoping that one day they would be destroyed completely so he would be forced to get a new wardrobe.

_Lily had liked these robes_, said a nasty voice in the back of his head, _that's why you're not getting rid of them, because it's all that is left of you that she saw herself._

His grip tightened on his knife and he cut his steak rather viciously. Professor McGonagall looked at him, pity in her eyes, seeing as no one at the table was talking to him.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it, Remus?"

He set down his knife and fork with a sigh. "Yes, it has. Those were happier times."

"Ah, but how do you know what the future holds? Happier times could be ahead for you. You never know, you could end up with this job permanently, get a nice income... You wouldn't have to be on the run. You could settle down. Not to mention, you'd be home in the place that holds your happiest memories."

Remus nodded. He had stopped listening to Minerva when she said that happier times were ahead of him. He highly doubted it, unless Lily Evans was to walk through those huge oak doors and tackle him in a hug.

After the Feast, Lupin slipped out of the Great Hall quietly, headed for his quarters. He had patrolled these same halls with Lily when they had been prefects; then he had had time to really admire her while she was telling off some first years or walking ahead of him. She had caught him staring once, but luckily, she had had a bit of fuzz in her hair. Remus had stumbled over his words, red in the face, before seeing the fuzz and pointing to it.

"Yes, happier times," he said as he entered his room. He drew back the curtains on his four poster bed and tugged off his robes, throwing them carelessly on the floor as he got into bed. He hoped he would be able to sleep without dreaming of her, but those wishes never came true.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

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Chapter Six

"Rem, I'm getting married!" Lily jumped into his arms the minute he walked out of Transfiguration after a particularly enjoyable lesson on transforming his desk into a lamp.

"What?" His hopes of ever being with her sank deep in his chest, his mouth going dry.

"James proposed to me this morning! He said after we graduate, we can get married, and then buy a little cottage!"

Remus loosened his grip on her, not sure if he should be hugging her. "Lily, not to offend you, but are you sure you should be marrying him?"

Lily's eyes fixed him with a dangerous stare, her voice sharp. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

_Shit_, Remus thought, his cheeks flushing. "It's not that James isn't in love with you, he is, it's just that I..." he stammered, rubbing the back of his neck. "I am..."

She looked at him curiously. Was that hopefulness in her eyes?

"I am...not sure if you should because you literally hated him up until this year."

Was that disappointment in her gaze? No, he must be imagining it.

"For your information, _Remus Lupin_, I did not hate James Potter. I just didn't like how he treated people. I am marrying him and that's final. I love him."

Remus avoided her gaze, speaking hurriedly. "Yes, of course, I was just checking that you were sure..." He turned on his heel and hurried down the hall. He heard her call his name and turned to face her.

"Are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me, Rem?"

He stared at her, her voice sounding in his head. _"I'm marrying him and that's final. I love him."_

"No, there's nothing, Lily," he said forcefully, continuing down the hall until she couldn't see him, before breaking into an all-out run. He scrambled into Gryffindor tower, then up the spiral staircase, tripping over the last few steps to the dormitory, which was empty. He pushed himself off of the floor, ignoring his smarting palms, which had taken the brunt of his fall.

"I'M IN LOVE WITH LILY EVANS!" Remus screamed at the top of his lungs, but it didn't matter. She couldn't hear him. He gripped his hair, half of him wanting to throw himself out the window, the other half wanting to see her be happy with James.

That half won.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N **: My apologies for the extremely short chapter. Don't worry, there are larger things in store for Remus Lupin. The following chapters are longer.

J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter

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Chapter Seven

Lupin awoke in a cold sweat, sitting bolt upright in bed. Nightmares like these continued throughout the term, mostly the same scene: he was about to confess his love to Lily, but was too much of a coward to do it. He began to give Harry Potter lessons on how to fight dementors, and as he spoke to the young boy, he found bits of Lily in him. Harry's willingness to fight was something that reminded him of Lily very much.

His class had been a success so far. His lesson plans were based on what he remembered from his third year, which had been quite a dramatic year. Lily had found out about his condition that year, kissed his cheek under the tree by the lake, and asked him to visit her over the summer. He didn't, of course, because he didn't want to risk telling her his feelings. He had lied and said that he was ill the entire summer. So, his memories of his Defense Against the Dark Arts class were few but very vivid.

Sighing, Remus stared down at the huge pile of papers in front of him. It was the last day of term before Christmas break. Running a hand through his hair, he began to wish that he hadn't even assigned them. As he read over the sloppy handwriting of his students, marking things incorrect with red ink, the shade of red reminded him of Lily's hair.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter.

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Chapter Eight

The graduation party had kept Lily, James, Sirius, and Peter out late, and they came back to the dormitory drunk. Remus was sat on his bed, reading a book of poetry and drinking a cup of hot tea. He glanced up at the staggering group of friends as they entered.

"How was the party, then?"

"Excellent, Moony." Sirius' words were slurred. "Totally hooked up with all the available girls that there were. You should've come."

Remus glanced at Peter, who had collapsed into his bed, and spoke dryly. "I doubt I would have enjoyed myself. Exactly how much did you all drink?"

"Five." James' voice sounded from the other side of the room, where he was changing out of his dress robe. "Five" did not tell Remus anything.

"Remmy!" Lily jumped into his lap. He winced as hot tea sloshed out of the cup onto his hand before he could set it down. He glanced at Lily; from her goofy grin, he could tell she was a happy drunk.

"Ms. Lily, what can I do for you?"

"Rem, James and I have picked the date for the wedding! We've bought all the stuff and my dress! It's going to be at my parent's house. This is me inviting you."

Remus shifted slightly, his voice tense. "And what's the date of your wedding, Lily?"

"The 23rd, at 4 o'clock."

Remus let out a sharp breath, his voice going quiet. "Lily, the 23rd is a full moon. I can't come."

"What do you mean you can't come?" He watched her green eyes fill up with tears. She jumped to her feet. Guilt sunk into his chest like a sharp knife.

"Lily, you know why I can't come. Your wedding would go into the night, I can't risk it."

James stood, and Sirius cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"But… But you could come just for the ceremony, you wouldn't have to stay for the after party or anything…" Lily's voice was thick with tears.

Remus' mind scrambled for a better excuse; honestly, he didn't want to go to their wedding. He was happy for both of his friends, of course. But the thought of seeing her with another man when it could be him instead only made him extremely sad.

"Lils." His voice was soft but underscored with finality. "I don't want to risk it."

"She really wants you to go mate, I think you should go regardless." Sirius stepped closer to Remus' bed after receiving a nod from James.

"You are both being thick." Remus slammed his book closed as he spoke. "I can't go! I could kill people—"

He was cut off as Sirius' fist connected with his jaw, knocking him onto his back. Sirius, snapping out of his drunken stupor for a moment, looked horrified. Remus spat blood out of his mouth.

"Night, then," he snarled as he yanked the curtains around his bed closed. In the privacy, Remus buried his head under the pillow trying to keep himself from getting upset.

_They are all drunk and over reacting. They will understand that I can't go when they are sober. Go to sleep, Moony, just go to sleep._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I'm sure we've all thought what our favorite characters would see in the Mirror of Erised...**

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

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Chapter Nine

Luckily, Christmas Eve was the day before the full moon, so Lupin could still manage to celebrate some of his favorite holiday. After a lovely breakfast, he decided to nip into his office to grab any papers he had been slacking off on grading, feeling oddly invigorated.

He went up the stairs to his office, jumping two steps at a time, humming some vague Christmas carol. He froze when he saw the huge mirror in the typically empty expanse of his office. He was drawn to it, walking up to it until he was almost pressed against it.

"Lily..." he breathed, looking into the glass with wide eyes. She stood smiling at him, her green eyes filled with what he could only describe as love. Her hand was resting on his shoulder in the reflection. He reached out and touched the glass.

"Lily."

She smiled reassuringly at him. He wished he could jump into the glass and be with her. He sat on the floor; she mirrored his movement. He didn't know how many hours he sat staring at her silently, his hands pressed against the glass.

"You see Lily, don't you, Remus?" Dumbledore's knowing voice sounded behind him. Remus jumped, managing to drag his eyes away from the mirror to look at the aging headmaster.

"How...?"

"I often wondered what choosing loyalty and friendship over love and happiness would do to you. I'll be honest with you, Remus, Lily probably would have said yes had you have told her the day she told you she was engaged to James. It's not that I do not value the morals behind your choice, but look what it has done to you."

"What do you mean, done to me, I am perfectly fine—" Lupin snarled, still at a loss. How had Dumbledore had figured out the secret when Lily hadn't?

"You are miserable, Remus, and you are not fooling anyone. I think anyone who witnessed how you had interacted with Lily could see that you were hopelessly in love with her. You managed to keep it very hidden when you were with your friends, but not when you and Lily would patrol the corridors as prefects. I see everything that happens in my school, Remus."

Remus looked back at the mirror. Lily was simply there, waiting for him.

"Come, Remus, it is time for dinner. You dwell too much on what you can't have. Lily has passed away, and I don't think she would want you to waste the remainder of your life wallowing in self-pity and memories."

He watched a younger version of Remus come forward and take Lily's hand, and then the two of them were gone. He gritted his teeth.

"The Mirror of Erised was to be placed here temporarily, since you have the most room. It shall be removed tomorrow, to be preserved in secrecy. Harry Potter saw a similar image in this mirror, his mother and father, along with the rest of his family. At least be happy that you knew them, Remus. Come along."

Lupin begrudgingly walked with Dumbledore to the Great Hall and was noticeably subdued through dinner. As he got into bed, Lupin wished that in the morning, he would wake to Lily beside him. That was all he wanted for Christmas.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

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Chapter Ten

An owl tapped on the glass of the one window that shed light into Remus' tiny cottage. He got out of bed. He had been out of Hogwarts for four months now and hadn't spoken to any of his friends since his last night there. He made ends meet by doing odd jobs for Muggles, who asked no questions.

He opened the window. It was Lily's owl, Athena, who stood with a letter clenched in her beak. He took the letter and offered an owl treat to Athena, who accepted it gratefully before flying away. Remus took a deep breath, sat down on the wooden crate that had a pillow and blanket, and opened the letter.

_Dear Rem,_

_It feels like we haven't spoken in years, and none of us got the chance to apologize about what happened on graduation night. James and I both understand why you couldn't come to our wedding and we do hope you don't feel guilty about it._

_I love you, Remus, and I would never want you to be upset about making me upset. James loves you too and has been moping about, same with Sirius. They just want their best friend back, so I was hoping you could come around for tea this Friday. Our address is on the envelope._

_I also have some very good news; I'm pregnant!_

Remus threw the letter down like it was a snake ready to strike. His hands came up to clench his hair. Lily was pregnant, with James' child. She wouldn't leave him now if Remus told her how he felt.

"She wouldn't leave him anyway," he spoke dully to himself before picking up the letter and continuing to read.

_I know, it's a shock! But I want you to be the godfather, I haven't spoken with James but I'm sure he would agree. Please let me know if you can make it for tea, we would love to see our favorite wolf again._

_Love,_

_Lily_

Remus sighed; there was no way he could turn them down. With dark forces spreading around the world and killing witches and wizards, this could be his last chance to see Lily. It was likely that he would be killed, being a werewolf. He found a scrap of parchment and scribbled hurriedly on it.

_Lils,_

_I'll come._

_Rem._

He grabbed his owl, told it the address, and watched it fly away. He rubbed his eyes. He didn't know what would happen on Friday, and he was dreading it.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Short short short short. My apologies.**

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

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Chapter Eleven

Lupin's hunt for his old _friend_ Sirius Black was becoming fruitful. He was learning of Sirius's past locations and was able to guess where he was going to be next. He brought his list of locations to Dumbledore, but never told the headmaster that Sirius was an Animagus.

Remus understood Sirius' desperation to get to Hogwarts, but he was putting himself at a lot of risk by doing so. Remus wasn't sure if Sirius had murdered those Muggles and Peter Pettigrew, or if he had betrayed Lily and James Potter, as he had been their Secret Keeper. Lupin was aware that twelve years in Azkaban with dementors at your throat night and day could impact your sanity. But that didn't give Sirius an excuse for betraying his closest friends. Lupin typically became enraged when he thought of Sirius; he had given his friends his unwavering loyalty and had been pinned as the traitor simply because he was a werewolf. He was sure that Sirius had suggested the idea, no doubt to make James feel secure. Then, when Lily and James had felt safe, he had betrayed them and they had died.

His transformations were also becoming more painful, though Severus Snape was concocting a groundbreaking new potion that used Wolfsbane as a main ingredient and made his wolf form calm enough that it could curl up under his desk and fall asleep. He spent whatever was left of his free time worrying about Sirius, which caused him to lose sleep. He knew why Sirius wanted to get to Harry Potter. Sirius, after all, had not seen his godson since James and Lily had been murdered, but Lupin didn't know if he wanted to kill him.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Longer :)**

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

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Chapter Twelve

Standing at the end of the path, Remus looked the cottage up and down. It was neat, quaint, and looked a lot larger than his. Tugging at his collar slightly, he knocked on the door, a gift under his arm. Lily opened the door before him, pulling him into her arms and hugging him tightly.

He allowed himself to close his eyes and breathe in the scent of her hair, hugging her back. When she pulled away, she looked at his thin face and the dark bags under his eyes.

"Have you been eating or sleeping, Rem?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Course I have—"

"Are you really going to stand there and lie to me?"

He grinned sheepishly. "You caught me. No, I haven't been eating or sleeping that much, really. Wow, Lily..." His eyes widened as he looked at her. "You're showing already."

She smiled happily, taking his gift and coat. "I'm about four months along, Remmy. Course I'm showing. C'mon, James and Sirius are in the sitting room."

Her hand pressed against the small of his back, steering him towards the room. "My word, Rem, you really have lost a lot of weight, you're skin and bones."

James and Sirius looked up at him. James' face cracked into a grin as he embraced Remus, patting him on the back.

"Alright then, Moony?" Sirius said nervously, still seated. When James released him, Remus looked at Sirius. "I don't get a hug then, Padfoot? Honestly, when you think you know your friends..."

Sirius jumped up and pulled Remus into a hug that had him struggling to breathe, "Let go... You are suffocating...me." Sirius laughed, a glorious noise that sounded like a bark, before releasing Remus.

They settled onto the couch as Lily went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. Remus engaged in the conversation James and Sirius were having about Quidditch, but his eyes were on the kitchen door. He excused himself and grabbed his gift from the small table in the entry hallway before slipping into the kitchen silently. He stared at Lily while she took the roast out of the oven. He had decided it was time to speak.

"I want you to open your gift here, so that they don't make fun of me." He held the two wrapped packages out to her. She took the smaller one first. He bit the inside of his cheek as she opened the jewelry box and saw the necklace with a golden locket attached.

"It's so when you have your child, you can put a picture of them in it and ca—"

She was hugging him again, and he was quite certain that she was crying as well.

"Lily, why are you crying?"

"Oh, Remus, I'm sorry, I'm just being silly." She wiped her eyes. "You would make such a good father."

Remus' posture stiffened. "Open the second one."

She smiled and unwrapped it, looking at the huge tome he had purchased her on raising a child, including common ailments and treatments.

"You're proving my point, Rem. Thank you." She kissed his cheek before going into her bedroom to put the gifts away. Remus' cheek burned where she had kissed him; he wished that it had been on his lips. When she came back out, she asked him to get James and Sirius to the table; it was obvious that she had been trying to wipe away evidence of her crying. When Lily brought dinner out, Remus stood and helped her bring things to the table, his cheeks flushing when he realized neither Sirius nor James had stood to help Lily. Remus sat in his chair. His mother had raised him to always help the woman he was in love with and cared about. He hoped very much that Sirius' and James' mothers had not told them the same thing or he might as well pull Lily to him and snog her in front of everyone.

* * *

During dinner, Sirius and James did most of the talking until Lily brought up the subject he had been dreading all week.

"So, Remus, what do you think about being our baby's godfather?"

Remus prepared himself for instant outrage as he set his silverware down. "I'm afraid I can't."

"What do you mean?" She sounded hurt.

"Lily, I am a werewolf. I don't deserve my own child, let alone the child of the w—people I love the most in this world—"

"Don't talk like that!" she snapped, her temper flaring. "You deserve a hell of a lot more than you get in life, Remus—"

"Lily, I am telling you, I do not want to endanger your family. I am endangering you by being here! Lord Voldemort is recruiting people, Lily. He's also killing the werewolves who do not join his side!" Remus stood suddenly, knocking his glass over. "Excuse me." He hurried out of the room to the safety of the bathroom, leaving shocked silence in the dining room behind him.

Remus gripped the counter of the bathroom, his knuckles turning white as he stared into the mirror. Did she honestly think that he would say yes, with everything that was going on? He needed to get out, now. He had already thought of running away to the Arctic; perhaps he would do that. _Maybe I'll die from the cold_, he thought hopefully.

"Remmy?" Her voice was soft as she knocked on the bathroom door. "Remmy, will you let me in please?"

Remus sighed. He couldn't deny her, especially when she spoke his name like that. He slowly clicked the lock back and opened the door. She came in and closed the door behind her.

"It was silly of me to ask you to be the godfather. You just want to make sure we're safe. I appreciate that so much." She hugged him tightly, listening to his heartbeat thudding in his chest. "Remus, I sometimes wonder, do you ever take care of yourself instead of worrying about everyone else?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you never fancied anyone in school. You never really worried about your work, only that Sirius and James did theirs, though somehow you always managed to ace every class. Are you gay, Remus?"

He must have looked shocked, because she went pale, obviously worried that she had figured out before he could tell her. "Oh, Merlin, you are, aren't you. No, it's quite alright, I always thought you w—"

"I'm not gay!" He stared at her. "You thought I was gay? No, I've fancied someone for a really long time, actually," he said defensively.

"Who?" she asked, her emerald eyes looking up curiously at him.

"Never you mind. I love her, though. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I could tell her."

"Why don't you, then?" Lily sounded excited at the prospect.

"Because I've never been able to, and she's involved in a committed relationship anyways."

"Come on, Remus, if she knows you as good as I know you, she'd leave the man she's with and come running."

He looked at her for a long moment. Her chin was resting against his chest and she was looking up at him. It would be so simple to just lean down and kiss her then, to tell her that she was the one he was in love with, and that if she went away with him, they could get away from the horror and be happy together.

Instead, he cleared his throat and said, "We had better get out of the bathroom, Prongs and Padfoot might think I've fallen in and you are desperately trying to fish me out."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

Lupin sprinted through the grounds to the Whomping Willow. The Marauders Map had shown five people in his old hiding place, two of whom shouldn't be there. When he reached the Shrieking Shack, he heard Hermione scream for help, that Sirius Black was there.

He blasted the door open, his wand raised and his face pale. He scanned the room and saw Harry's wand raised.

"_Expelliarmus_!" he shouted, and caught all three wands in the air. Lupin's grip tightened on the wands, and then he spoke.

"_Where is he, Sirius_?"

Remus stared at Ron, who Sirius was pointing at. Betrayal filled him; he stared at Sirius intently.

"You switched...without telling me?!" He saw Sirius nod. "So he's here—"

Lupin turned as Hermione began to shout, how he was a werewolf, was friends with Sirius, and wanted to kill Harry too.

"Listen to me," Remus shouted. "I was not friends with Sirius up until this moment, I certainly do not want to kill Harry, and I am...a werewolf."

Hermione said she would tell the whole school; Remus shook his head, smiling bitterly. "All of the staff know already, Hermione."

When the three children had calmed down, Remus was able to explain the situation to them until he heard Snape come in. Remus turned to face him.

"Severus—" he said as Snape began to accuse him of helping Sirius, saying how he would end up in Azkaban too. He was silenced as Snape cast a curse at him, cords wrapping around his mouth, wrists, and ankles. Lupin toppled over and hit his head on the floor, losing consciousness.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: And thus, the whole inspiration for this story is in this chapter.**

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

Remus hadn't seen James, Lily, Sirius, and Harry in over a year. Sirius and James had accused Remus of being a spy for Voldemort—why else would Remus not 'join his side'? After that accusation, they removed him from their lives and left him to fend for himself. On a Halloween morning, Remus found Lily's owl, Athena, tapping on the window with a letter. He seized it, smelling the faint scent of her perfume rising from the parchment. He sat down and began to read.

_Dear Remus,_

_I honestly don't know how to begin this letter. Every night when I go to bed I recall your face when James and Sirius accused you of being a traitor. I know that you are not. You wouldn't do something like that to me, or to them, you love us too much._

_They don't mention you that much anymore, but when they do, I detect a lot of guilt in their voices. Harry still plays with the teddy bear you got him when he was born._

_We are in hiding currently, and I hope you are too. Did you hear about Gideon and Fabian Prewitt? It's awful. I can't imagine what Molly and Arthur are going through right now._

_I worry about you, Remus. You looked ill when I last saw you, and it's been a long time since then. I know you must be upset with yourself, and I'm positive that you blame yourself for your friends believing that you would betray them. But it was bound to happen to one of the four of you and it's bad luck that they decided that it was you. Please, if for me and not yourself, eat a good meal tonight and get some sleep. Write back—Athena will take your letter back. (I'm sorry, but Dumbledore doesn't want us giving out our location.)_

_Love,_

_Lily_

Remus grabbed a roll of parchment, the last bit he had left. He was going to tell her. He had been kept up night after night, and now that Sirius and James weren't his friends, what did he have to lose?

Taking a deep breath, Remus dipped his quill in ink and began to write.

_Dear Lily,_

_I love you. I've been in love with you since first year, and I'm still in love with you now. I doubt I'll ever fall out of love with you. I never told you, or anyone, because James was in love with you. He openly voiced his feelings for you while I kept them internalized._

_You may ask why I never told you. The first reason is because I'm a coward. I was too afraid to tell you because I thought you didn't feel the same way. I didn't want to lose you as a friend. At least as a friend, I could see you, and compliment you, though you thought I was gay. I was going to tell you how I felt when you told me you were engaged to James. I was also going to tell you when we were both in the bathroom. But I was too much of a coward to do so._

_The second reason was because I didn't want to lose my other friends. If I told you, it would be instant betrayal to James, Sirius, and Peter. James turned into an Animagus for me, he stopped me from killing Snape, and he gave me money to survive. How could I betray my friends to help myself? The answer is easy: I couldn't._

_I am telling you now because despite my unwavering loyalty, I have lost all my friends except you. I'll probably lose you after you read this._

_It's difficult to just say I love you because love doesn't even seem to sum up how I feel. Just know that if I die, my last thought will be the feeling of your lips against my cheek, and the hope that my death will result in you, James, and Harry surviving._

_Love,_

_Your Remus_

He stared down at the parchment, wondering whether he should send it then. He clicked his tongue and Athena flew in.

He tucked the letter into his desk drawer. "Look, I'll send her this letter tomorrow. Can you wait here until tomorrow morning?"

The owl hooted, accepting the treat that he was offering. By that evening, Remus was becoming unmotivated in regards to sending the letter in the morning.

"You'll do it," he said, his voice firm. Obeying Lily's wishes, he prepared himself a roast chicken. He became terribly hungry as the scent of spices filled the air. He opened up a bottle of Butterbeer and cut the chicken, adding some roast potatoes to his plate. Sitting at the table, eating delicious food and drinking Butterbeer, Remus felt truly happy for the first time that year. He went to bed early after checking he had locked the doors and windows.

He fell asleep and slept peacefully. When he woke up, he skipped breakfast and shaving, opening the drawer of his desk and removing the letter. Athena was waiting expectantly at the window. There was also a different owl, holding the morning's copy of the Daily Prophet. The owl was being aggressive; it wanted to be paid. He put five Knuts in its pouch and took the paper. As he glanced at the headline, his letter fluttered to the ground.

**LILY AND JAMES POTTER MURDERED, HARRY POTTER LONE SURVIVOR, LORD VOLDEMORT DESTROYED**

He stared at the picture on the front, his breathing short. The new cottage was ruined, on fire. From the article, Voldemort had come the night before.

_If I had sent the letter when I finished writing it_, he thought, _she would have died knowing that I love her._

His hands tightened into fists. Roaring in anger, he smashed the nearest thing to him, his only mirror. He sank to the floor, sobbing, grabbing his letter and crumpling it in his fist.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

Remus came to in a panic, choking against the cords in his mouth, his eyes wide as he stared up at the ceiling. Sirius ran to him, tugging the cords off of him.

"I'm sorry we thought you were a spy, Moony."

Remus rubbed his wrists with a wince. "I'm sorry that I thought you betrayed them."

They hugged briefly. Remus looked around.

"Where's Snape?"

Hermione pointed a shaking finger to Snape's motionless form on the floor. Remus smiled mirthlessly before turning to Ron.

"May I see Scabbers, please, Ron? If he is a real rat, this spell won't hurt him at all." Ron begrudgingly handed him the rat. Remus murmured a charm and the rat transformed into Peter Pettigrew.

"Bloody hell!" Ron shouted as Remus pointed his wand against Pettigrew's forehead and shoved him against the wall. Sirius stared at Remus, who had gone very pale. When he spoke, his voice was flat, cold.

"Why'd you do it, Peter?"

"Do what, Remus? Keep me away from Sirius, he's trying to kill me!"

"The minute you tell me why you did it, I'm going to kill you. Sirius will no doubt join me in killing you, which can only be described as the happiest event in my life."

He heard Hermione gasp, and Sirius put his hand on his shoulder, calming him down. Remus lowered his wand but moved his hand so that it was wrapped around Pettigrew's neck.

"You're lucky Remus got to you first. I would kill first, ask questions later," Sirius said darkly, staring intently at Peter.

When they dragged Peter out onto the grounds, Snape stirred. Remus had cast a levitation charm on him. Remus glanced at the sky, stopping in his tracks. Peter wiggled out of his grasp, transformed, and disappeared in the bushes. Sirius rounded on Remus, furious, but then he saw Remus' eyes, which had turned black. The full moon came out from behind the clouds. Remus tore a necklace off of his neck, shoving it at Sirius, who handed it to Harry.

Remus cried out, his bones cracking. "Go!"

Sirius grabbed him. "Did you take your potion this week?"

Remus shook his head, his body transforming. Snape jumped in front of the children, protecting them from the bizarre, sickly looking werewolf before them, who was whimpering slightly. Its nose twitched, eyes focusing on Snape.

A huge black dog barreled into its side, knocking the werewolf to the ground. It snarled as the dog nipped at its heels, and then ran into the bushes. The werewolf howled before following after the dog into the night.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: We are coming to the end, folks...**

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter**

* * *

Remus had apparated to the cottage that had been Lily and James'. The address was in the paper. Obviously, charms had been put in place to keep the Muggles away from the wreckage, which must have been heavy spell work. He walked slowly up the cobbled path that reminded him of Lily and James' old cottage. They weren't dead, how could they be dead? Sirius would never have betrayed his best friend, the idea was preposterous.

Remus stepped over crumbled brick, he walked through the front door. The cottage was somehow still standing, though it looked as if it could collapse any second. The upper right corner bedroom was completely destroyed. He took a deep breath as he saw a tiny broom on a rack by the key holder, he assumed it had belonged to Harry. He wondered where Harry could be, Remus would gladly take care of Harry. He didn't know of any surviving family on either James or Lily's side. He stopped in the foyer, frowning. He knew of two particular relatives that still remained, Lily's sister and her husband. They were the most non-magic people you could think of, and Petunia had despised Lily. There was no way that Harry had been brought to that family. Remus decided he would have a quick look around the cottage and see if he could salvage anything, before going to see Dumbledore about getting Harry.

He paused in the sitting room, there was a display of photos on the floor, shattered glass glinted from the carpet. Remus picked up the smallest frame, looking down at a picture of Lily in her wedding dress. She smiled up at him, Remus felt tears run down his cheeks, Lily was dead and all that remained of her was pictures, memories, and her son. Rubbing his eyes furiously, Remus pocketed the picture and then climbed the rickety stairs to Lily and James' bedroom.

The upper floor felt ominous, Remus pulled out his wand as he remembered that Voldemort had been defeated in this home. He didn't know if there were any remnants of dark magic in the home, and he preferred to stay on the safe side. He pushed the door to the master bedroom open with his toe, half afraid that Lily's corpse would be on the floor, even though he knew that the Ministry would have taken the bodies away.

The room was normal, the bed was made and clothes were laid out for the following day. He walked over to Lily's clothes, seeing the glint of a necklace lying on top of her outfit. Trembling hands picked up the necklace, it was the gold locket he had purchased for her while she was still pregnant. Inside he found a photo of a toddler boy with James' messy brown hair and Lily's bright green eyes. He pocketed the necklace as well and spent the next few minutes searching for a small photo of Lily that he could put into the locket. The smoke coming from Harry's room was increasing in intensity, he was finding it harder to breathe. The Ministry would be arriving soon to fix up the house and put out the fire. Remus assumed that the house would be preserved for historical purposes.

He exited the cottage with his treasured items, wiping his eyes as more tears slipped out. He blamed it on the smoke but inside he knew the grief that was threatening to drown him was to blame.

He apparated to his home, once safely inside, he let himself cry freely. He placed his pictures on the table and the locket on his nightstand before sitting down. Holding his head in his hands, he didn't even notice Albus Dumbledore enter his bedroom.

"Remus," Dumbledore spoke softly, but still managed to make Lupin jump. Cheeks flushed, Remus quickly wiped his eyes, ashamed to have been caught crying. When he thought he looked semi-presentable, Remus stood and looked at Dumbledore.

"Albus, where's Harry? I thought that maybe, he could stay with me, I could raise him and-" The words were tumbling out of his mouth and lightning speed, fueled by concern, anger, and grief.

"Remus, you are not thinking straight. You have suffered a massive loss, and your thoughts have been addled. Harry is safe, with his remaining family. You are a werewolf, Remus. You could not care for a one year old by yourself. Where would he go on the full moons, how would you support the two of you?"

Remus was getting angry now, "Petunia hated her sister, do you honestly think she would care for Harry like I would? He's going to be brought up by Muggles, he's going to be lonely! At least with me he would have someone who cares about him and can explain any outbursts of magic he could have. I need to know where he is, Dumbledore. I could get someone to watch Harry on the full moons, I could get a job. I will get a job, to support the two of us. Just, please, Albus, allow me to care for the boy. He is the only living thing I have left of my friends."

Dumbledore looked at the man before him, Lupin looked a mess. His hair was disheveled and stubble shadowed his cheeks and jaw. His eyes had heavy bags beneath them and his usual bright eyes were bloodshot and dim from crying. When he spoke, he did so quietly, putting a calming hand on Remus' shoulder.

"You know that I can't do that Remus. You must trust in the decision I have made, and know that Harry will only be fully living with them until he is to go to Hogwarts. He will be cared for, the best that they can provide will go to him. I made that explicitly clear in the letter I left them. You will see him when he's older Remus, and you will have to make peace with that."

Lupin's temple pulsed, his hands clenched into fists. Dumbledore disapparated just as Remus swung his fist wildly, his hand sailing through the air into the plaster of the wall. He howled in pain as his knuckles split, holding his injured hand to his chest as Lily looked on from her frame.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: One more chapter after this, I'm afraid. Reviews are always greatly appreciated. **

**J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter.**

* * *

Lupin bolted upright in a bed in the Hospital Wing. Gauze was wrapped around his chest, which was heaving. He glanced over and saw Ron Weasley asleep on a bed opposite from his. He glanced at his bedside table, pulse quickening as he saw Lily's locket and a letter beside it. He reached over and opened the letter, looking at Sirius' familiar handwriting.

_Moony,_

_I was surprised to find the photograph of Lily in this locket. And then I understood. You were in love with her, weren't you? That's why you didn't go to her wedding and avoided going out with Lily and James. I have to say, that was probably the most loyal thing I have ever heard of someone doing. You sacrificed your possible happiness with Lily for the happiness of your friend. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. But I admire your loyalty. _

_I'm afraid the Ministry is still after me, so Harry got me a Hippogriff to escape with. I can't tell you where I am going (I don't know myself), but I am going to be safe. I will send you a letter when I have found a place to hide, since I know you will fret until you hear from me. Also, I think I know someone you'd like to meet, her name is Nymphadora Tonks, she's my cousin. Maybe the two of you could go out to dinner, you'll need a friend (maybe more). Dumbledore said that you might have to quit your job (Snape __has revealed your secret to the Board of Governors) so I've enclosed a large amount of money from my vault. You'd be surprised to know how good the interest was when I was rotting away in Azkaban. By leaving it in this letter, there's no way you could refuse it (I know how you are, Moony). Use it to take care of yourself with, and take Tonks for dinner. She's an Auror with the Ministry._

_I promise I'll write. _

_Padfoot. _

Remus set the letter down, looking at the pouch of money that Sirius had enclosed. Lying back on his pillow, he thought about Nymphadora Tonks. He hadn't taken anyone on a date in a very long time, he was more interested in making a friend than he was with getting a girlfriend.

_I'll go though_, he thought blearily as he drifted to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: We've reached the end, folks. Thanks for sticking with the story and I hope you enjoyed it. **

**J.K. Rowling and all her pseudonyms own Harry Potter. **

* * *

Members of the Order of the Phoenix entered the small cottage that had belonged to Remus and Nymphadora Lupin. They were all very quiet, most of them had been friends with the married couple. Andromeda Tonks had requested the house to remain as it was, so that she could enter and think that her daughter and son-in-law had simply gone out.

The Order members were only to collect Teddy Lupin's belongings and bring them to Andromeda's house. The couple had been dead for about a week. Harry Potter entered the bedroom of Remus and Tonks, looking at the neatly made bed and tidy room. On Remus' nightstand sat a pile of Daily Prophets, and pictures of his wife and child. Harry knew what it was like to grow up without parents, and he didn't want Teddy to grow up without pictures of them like he had.

Unbeknownst to Harry, underneath that particular nightstand was a dusty letter that would remain in it's hiding place until the new owners of the cottage, Teddy Lupin and his wife, decided to do a full scale spring cleaning. The letter was addressed to Lily Evans.

_Dear Lily,_

_It's been a while since I wrote to you, I suppose the thought of writing to you and acting like you were alive was too much to bear. A lot has happened since you and James were killed. Harry has grown up into an exact replica of James. He is also dating a red head named Ginny, ironically. She reminds me of you. He is to battle Voldemort, and only one of them will survive. Believe me, I will do everything in my power to make sure that he is the one who survives. Harry is also the godfather of my son. _

_Shocking, don't you think, Remus Lupin being married? Her name is Nymphadora and I love her with every fibre of my being. Not that I don't love you, because I still love you. However, there comes a time when one simply cannot punish themselves for past mistakes. We got married about a year ago and I've never been happier, Teddy turned one month old yesterday and Dora and I had a little party for him. I was worried when Dora was pregnant because I didn't want a child to be burdened with being a werewolf, and I did something really stupid. I ran away from my wife, ran away from my responsibilities, until your son smacked some sense into me. You would be so proud of him, Lily, he is so brave. _

_I am worried, though. Worried that I might not live to see Voldemort destroyed. I am worried that Dora will die, which is a thought that I cannot even bear in my mind. If I am to die, I die so that my wife and child can live on. I die so that your son no longer has to worry about Voldemort. I die so that there can finally be peace in the Wizarding World. I am not scared of death, because perhaps I will be able to see you. After all, as a wise friend once said, death is but the next great adventure._

_Love, as always,_

_Remus _


End file.
